Relationship is not just about intimate relationships. It’s in every aspect of what we do; your children, your colleagues, even people you meet on the street. That’s why it’s so important to know what works for you, and with you, in relationship; to create greater relationships in every area of your life.
And, if a relationship doesn’t work for you, you don’t have to be there. Knowing this gives you the space to make different choices, whether it’s making changes within your existing relationships or choosing to leave. You don’t need to destroy something to create something. Ask, “What change can I be here that would create what I am asking for?”
It all stems from who you be and what you create in the world. Greater awareness gives you the space to choose what you truly desire. We often use other people as a reason and justification to separate ourselves from who we actually would like to create ourselves as. We distract ourselves with what somebody did or said rather than look at what we truly desire and what works for us and make choices towards that.
You might think that people naturally make choices based on their desires and personal preferences, but so often we are actually aspiring to become someone who has nothing to do with us; someone who matches what this reality says is correct or good or that relationship that matches what this reality considers to be ‘perfect’, rather than living our own lives. Often, we never even ask ourselves what it is that we truly desire, and make unconscious choices. Become aware of what you have decided you are, without going into the wrongness of that, and ask, “What else is possible?”
What if you were the creator of your relationship, and the kind of relationship that nurtured you? What would that look like? Below are some pragmatic tools to create greater relationships; the kind of relationship you are asking for with more of you, showing up as you, for you.
Tool #1. Stop looking for ‘proof’. There is no such thing as proof that someone loves you or proof that …x,y,z. If you are looking for someone to validate you, where are you in the computation of your life?
Tool #2. What is your relationship with yourself? You have to start with loving you first; honouring you first. Without that relationship with you, can you really vibrate to what it is that you are asking to create with somebody else? We are taught to see our value through how we connect to somebody else, or if we connect with somebody else, or what value somebody else places on the connection they have to us, rather than acknowledge who we be. You can’t fix a lie. If you buy a lie that you are not worthy, that you are not good enough, you can’t fix that. You have to make a demand of yourself that, no matter what it looks like, no matter what it takes, this has to change and what can I choose today that will give me more of what I am asking for? And, it could be something little, like acknowledging that you know and what can you shift and change when you step into that awareness? What if there was nothing wrong with you? What relationships could you create from this space?
Tool #3. What do you truly desire? To create relationships that work for you, you have to know what you truly desire. From a young age we are taught to re-form ourselves based on somebody else’s reality; to operate based on everyone else’s reality except yours. As children, we are constantly told, “you’re supposed to …x,y,z…” and you get rewarded for doing it their way. As a result, you never get a sense of ‘who am I?’ and ‘how do I play in this universe?’ How can you create great relationships for you when you are functioning from somebody else’s reality? Start to ask, “Who, what, where, how am I today?” and “What do I truly desire?” The universe will start to show you and as you begin to choose from this new space and awareness, you have a greater platform from which to create your relationships. And, for existing relationships, be honest with yourself and ask, “What is it that I require here for a greater possibility?”
Tool #4. What can I do different? Things start changing when you change, because you are being a different vibration. Become a vibration of fun and ease. Instead of being defensive and focusing on what your partner did or didn’t do, ask “What is it that I am creating here?”, because you both create things together, and “What can I do different?”; not from a wrongness, but from where can I lower my barriers and see where the other person is operating from to present the information in a way that they can hear it? That’s where you step into awareness, and out of decision, or conclusion or judgment. Judgment creates limitation and stops anything possible from being created, whereas stepping into your awareness to see what someone else requires is a kindness that is so much greater than ‘respect’.
Tool #5. Ask a question. Don’t assume what is being said or assume a judgment about a situation and project it onto your partner. Prefer to ask a question rather than put up your barriers and go into defence mode. When something is going on, stop. Ask yourself some questions and be totally honest with yourself. “Is this creating the future that I would like to play with?” “What am I inventing here?” “What else is truly possible here that I haven’t stepped into yet?” A great relationship has you living in the question. Questions create possibilities. Possibilities create choice. Choice creates awareness. If nothing else, ask “What else is possible here?”
Tool #6. Don’t compromise. When you compromise, it never seems to be 50/50; someone always seems to have the upper hand and the other person gives something up. If you’ve decided that you are always the one who has to compromise, or give up something, you will play your relationship as being superior or a victim. In business, if you compromise, you actually lose. If you treat your relationship like a business, you would come up with a ‘deal and deliver’ arrangement, rather than compromise; 1/ what outcome is desired, or what is to be created? and 2/ what can actually be delivered; what is each person capable of? So in relationship, lower your barriers and ask the other person, “What is it you want to create? How would you like to create this? This is what works for me. What is it that would work for you?” And, which one of these is a deal breaker? When you do this, you are stepping into your awareness of all the possibilities for greater choice.
Tool #7. Allowance. Be in allowance of everything that shows up with no judgment or limitation. This doesn’t mean that you become a rug for people to walk on, but if it doesn’t work for you, it’s not about ‘how do I fix this person so it does work for me?’, it’s about what choices are available? If you are in total loving allowance of that person choosing whatever they choose, you can ask yourself some questions to find out how you got yourself into this situation in this moment and be in allowance of that: “Okay, I got myself here; I created it. What else can I create?” What is the deal and deliver for you? And what are your deal breakers? It’s about you getting to know you, rather than going “no, no, no” to the other person.